Thursday, 21 June 2012

My sister

I've been away from this space for quite a few weeks now. I haven't felt like writing anything, no words have been floating through my mind. No words that I have felt like putting on a screen anyway.
Lots of words have been passing through my mind actually, words of anger, frustration, words of great sadness. Also some words of laughter,many words of love and admiration.
 As I've said before, my sister is sick. She has cancer in parts of her body that that those rebel cells have no right to go to. She has cancer in too many parts of her body. Too many parts for her to be able to live very much longer.
 And it all seems so wrong.
 How does this stinking disease get in? How does it take hold? Why did it have to get into her, my only sister, my only sibling?
So you can see how the angry words get into my head.

And the sad words - well  - I guess that is obvious too. It breaks my heart to see my incredibly brave sister's face cave in as she talks about leaving her partner and her two children. To not be with them is the hardest thing of all. So hard, it can't be spoken of really. Where are the words? What words describe how that would feel? My sister is very, very good with words and yet she struggles to find adjectives to adequately cover the loss of being with the ones she loves.

And I feel so sorry for myself. How will my life be without my sister? The person who has known me all my life. The person who knows heaps of bad and embarressing things about me, who I've said stuff to that I shouldn't have said, the person who I have judged incorrectly and misunderstood sometimes deliberately. And yet she still says she loves me.
And sometimes she drove me crazy, sometimes her blunt words hurt me, sometimes her ideas were so different to mine that it was  hard to find common ground.
 And yet I've always loved her, and always will.

And so foolishly, I just expected that she would always be there, in my life, on the end of the phone, giving advice, letting me debrief, making me laugh, making me proud to be related to her.
But instead she is leaving my life, leaving us all behind to try and fumble along without her.
And it will never be the same again. That's the hard bit, it will all never be the same without her here.

My sister. My brave, opinionated, resilient, strong, compassionate sister.


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