There are lots of things you shouldn't have to do, Lots of things that lots of people go through their whole lives never having to do. But not doing these things hasn't been the picture of my life lately. My life has been difficult.
So, just because I feel I need to get this all down so that I can try to move on, this is my list of things that I shouldn't have had to do but never the less I have had to do over the last month.
1. Watch my sister go from being an intelligent, forceful woman into a muttering confused person who doesn't recognise her own children.
2. Have to make the heartbreaking decision to call the ambulance and take this same brave person to the hospice. Knowing that she would be leaving her beloved home for the last time.
3.Sit next to my sister for hours on end as she groaned and sighed her way to her death.
4. Throw my arms around my sister, disbelieving that she had died without me being with her, only to hear her last out-going breath empty into my ear.
5.Sit with my sister's body, knowing that I had to leave her and knowing that she had already left me but not being able to move away from her.
6 Touch my sister's stone cold face as she lay in her coffin trying to memorise her face knowing I would never see her again.
7. Write my sister's memorial service.
8. Try to convince myself , on a daily basis, that she has died when it still seems that she has just gone away for a while.
Maybe now that I have written about these things, the images of these events will leave my head.